Thursday, 22 March 2018

Not your hoity-toity intellectuals

The Liberal Democrats harvested data from millions of MySpace accounts, it has emerged.

The party was found to have employed controversial tech company Humberside Analytica to comb through the data which they hope will give them an unfair advantage in the 2022 general election.

Investigative journalist Francesca Johnson said: “It’s not just MySpace. They’ve cross-referenced with Bebo and Friends Reunited.

“With that weight of data they’ve already run simulations which prove they could enter into a coalition with the Conservatives in the 2010 election, and after that apparently go from strength to strength.

“Apparently voters that could be swung to the Lib Dems like custom fonts and listening to Travis, are friends with Lily Allen and do shots of Aftershock, both red and blue.”

Lib Dem leader Vince Cable said: “There is nothing unethical about our use of this data. Until we start blackmailing voters with pictures of them as teenage goths.”
The Daily Mash

Of course.

There is no direct link between satire and Stephen Sondheim [although many of his works do tackle politics and human frailties in a satirical tone], but, by way of a tribute to the Great Man on the occasion of his 88th birthday today, I have dug out of the vaults a jazzy home-made video worthy of those flashing-graphics MySpace days - made to accompany the chorus from his obscure musical The Frogs [to the UK premiere of which we went last year]:

We're the frogs!
The adorable frogs!
Not your hoity-toity intellectuals,
Not your hippy-dippy homosexuals,
Just your easy-going, simple,
Warm-hearted, cold-blooded

Of the pond
And the fronds we never go beyond.
When you rearrange a single frond,
We respond
With a...

Brek-kek-kek-kek! Brek-kek-kek-kek!
Whaddya care the world's a wreck?
Leave 'em alone, send 'em a cheque,
Sit in the sun and what the heck,
Whaddya wanna break your neck for?
What for?
Big deal!
Big bore!

Forget your troubles,
Wallow with us,
Squat and take a mud bath!

What's it get you,
Making a fuss?
Just another blood-bath!


Wednesday, 21 March 2018

In a Barbie world

There's a bit of a melt-down on our High Streets at the moment, it would seem.

I don't think we at Dolores Delargo Towers are going to shed any tears over the bankruptcy of the ridiculously-named Toys'R'Us, nor Carpetright, New Look, MultiYork, Moss Bros, Mothercare nor many of the over-priced unappealing shops that I have never bought anything from whose financial woes are making the headlines. No-one's really surprised that another recent shopping casualty was Maplins; I only shopped there on occasions, as it was always more expensive than other shops selling similar. It is amazing, really, that WH Smith survives.

We might be sorry to see the likes of Homebase disappear - it has been a convenient, if definitely not the cheapest, source for many DIY products, pots, plants and bits'n'bobs we've needed for the home. And if its rival B&Q is also in trouble, our options may be curtailed even further...

...but by far the worst news of all, retail-wise, was the announcement today that the last true home of cheap bright-and-tacky jewellery, ribbons, braces, bow-ties and other such essentials for the dressing-up aficionado - be they a twelve-year-old girl going to a Nicki Minaj-themed party or a gaggle of Queens d'un certain age who need an instant "hit" of feathers, fouf and faff to add to their Pride outfits - Claire's Accessories is on its way to bankruptcy!


Here is what, surely, should have been their theme tune:

Tuesday, 20 March 2018

Des fleurs de ton jardin

Unlikely though it may seem, given the fact the the UK has looked more like Narnia lately than a "green and pleasant land", today is the Spring Equinox, referred to by some people as "the first day of Spring". Brrr.

At least we can now bask in the knowledge that from tomorrow onwards, our days are officially longer than our nights, and it will soon be Summer!

To hurry those dreams along, how about a little something from today's birthday girl (and house fave here at Dolores Delargo Towers), the lovely Miss Natacha Atlas?

Pourtant j’étais très belle
Oui j’étais la plus belle
Des fleurs de ton jardin

On est bien peu de chose
Et mon amie la rose

Roses? Soon...

Monday, 19 March 2018

J'aime le coq

It was a horrid, icy weekend, and I spent as little of it as possible outdoors (apart from for fag breaks; Dolores Delargo Towers #4 is a smoke-free abode, much to our chagrin...) - but it was a productive one, as I began the task of hanging our vast collection of pictures. I tackled twenty-five assorted autographed photos, framed theatrical ephemera and Art Deco prints - and a full scale mirror - and started fitting others into their frames ready to hang in the next round. The place looks more like home already...

This morning, I desperately need a good lie-in in the warm bed - but was instead jolted out of my reverie by the realisation that it was time for work again. Bah!

Never mind, eh? To cheer ourselves up on this Tacky Music Monday, I have delved into the weird world of Scopitone (again - it is one of my minor obsessions) for a dose of jolliness.

Usually the home of the dodgiest go-go dancing dolly-birds in the business, for your delectation I have instead focused on the boys - and there's quite a bit of cute French flesh on show to warm us up in this double-bill!

Ooh, la-la!

Have a good week, peeps.

Sunday, 18 March 2018

Brass-bollock weather

We've had quite enough, now!
Winter has entered its 18th consecutive fucking month, the Met Office has confirmed.

With sleet, rain and snow forecast for the weekend, meteorologists have admitted that the weather is so cold that it has frozen time itself, with no thaw in sight.

A Met Office spokesman said: “It’s March now, but that’s just what we call the month. It makes no difference to it still being winter.

“The time dilation effect caused by the absolute brass-bollock weather we’re suffering means that winter has gone on forever and will continue to go on forever, until all we can remember is winter.

“Occasionally it will merely piss it down while not being absolutely freezing, and we’ll all be pathetically grateful for two days before it returns to being utterly foul with an Arctic wind.”

Martin Bishop of Cleveland said: “We’re British. Winter is the only season we deserve.”
The Daily Mash

Of course.

As we suffer, once again, miserable freezing conditions and can merely watch as all our potted plants shrivel and die, we desperately need something - or someone - to bring us a bit of cheer.

And who better to do it than that stalwart of British entertainment [and very cute when he was young], Mr Kenny Lynch, who celebrates his 80th birthday today?


Many happy returns, Kenny Lynch, OBE (born 18th March 1938)!

Friday, 16 March 2018

Tonight is party time, it's party time tonight

As is usual in the UK, all the promising sunshine and mild air that gave us hope that Spring was actually here is set to evaporate on the weekend, with a drop of 12C in temperatures to almost zero, and the risk of more snow. So much for any plans to do some sorting in our new extensive gardens, after having pruned the weed trees to let in the light, as the pots may need to be sheltered again rather than moved to their permanent positions...

Hey ho, there's plenty of stuff to do indoors - and a weekend is a weekend is a weekend, after all! Let's retrieve our most outlandish glitz'n'bling 80s outfits out of the back of the wardrobe, grab a silver fan, and pose along with the lovely ladies of Class Action, who know a song about that...

...and Thank Disco It's Friday!

Enjoy, dear reader...